THOUGHT FOR FOOD
Ok, so when you're eating, please make as little noise as possible. I'm thinking it may save you a tasering/stabbing/shooting/fill in your own worst nightmare.
Don't get me wrong, even I have been a noisy eater. But nothing like some rude cud chewing, gravel eating, talky McSpewersons I've run into (and against). Lemme sum up- nope too short. Lemme 'splain:
I've got a thing for loud noises. Not really noises, per se. More like food noises. It turns my stomach when I can hear someone's saliva predigesting their meal, even before it hits their gut. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
Growing up, I had the pleasure of listening to my dad "squeak" when he chewed. It didn't matter what he ate- he squeaked. Hard candy- Squeak. Mashed potatoes- Squeak. Water- Squeak. How the hell he did that, I have no idea. It would drive me absolutely batshit crazy listening to him squeak. I could leave the room and the noise would follow. Gaaaaahhhh!!!
I also know someone, near and dear to me, that chews incessantly with their mouth open. Woof!!! From the smallest mouthful to great white shark sized bites, it mattered not. Crap would be churning around that open gob like some insane cement mixer. Talking, smacking lips, etc. You know the drill. Urrrrp... Oops. Just thinking about that, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Oh well.
This is also the same person that can crunch one potato chip for 20 minutes. ONE!!! With an open mouth chewing frenzy, it sounds like they are eating gravel. And not those small bits. NO! I'm talking quarry sized, rock crusher smashing, asteroids. Multiply that by a gajillion to the Nth power and you get the idea.
The last thing that really works me into a berserker-like rage is slurping. Sipping hot tea (or coffee), to make sure that it isn't "center of the earth" magma hot, is one thing. Doing that "inhale, suck whistle" while nursing a tepid, piss warm cup of anything, is enough to push me over the deep end. In some countries, that is grounds for justifiable bludgeoning.
This evening, while at a sushi dinner, I sat in front of some guy who sounded like a sea cucumber trying to suck his guts back in after being attacked by an octopus. You know, they throw them up to get away from predators? I actually thought it sounded like someone being fellated by the Blob. He was eating soup. For the love of all that is sacred, if it's that hot, let it cool down! I'd rather have lukewarm soup, than a mouth full of dead skin and a blistered esophagus. It took all my energy to keep from jamming my chopsticks into his ears and turning his head into a bizarre "cranium on the cob".
Oh, that reminds me. I have to go to the store and get more pork rinds to take into the movies with me on Friday. Just joking. They're corn nuts.
Don't get me wrong, even I have been a noisy eater. But nothing like some rude cud chewing, gravel eating, talky McSpewersons I've run into (and against). Lemme sum up- nope too short. Lemme 'splain:
I've got a thing for loud noises. Not really noises, per se. More like food noises. It turns my stomach when I can hear someone's saliva predigesting their meal, even before it hits their gut. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.
Growing up, I had the pleasure of listening to my dad "squeak" when he chewed. It didn't matter what he ate- he squeaked. Hard candy- Squeak. Mashed potatoes- Squeak. Water- Squeak. How the hell he did that, I have no idea. It would drive me absolutely batshit crazy listening to him squeak. I could leave the room and the noise would follow. Gaaaaahhhh!!!
I also know someone, near and dear to me, that chews incessantly with their mouth open. Woof!!! From the smallest mouthful to great white shark sized bites, it mattered not. Crap would be churning around that open gob like some insane cement mixer. Talking, smacking lips, etc. You know the drill. Urrrrp... Oops. Just thinking about that, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Oh well.
This is also the same person that can crunch one potato chip for 20 minutes. ONE!!! With an open mouth chewing frenzy, it sounds like they are eating gravel. And not those small bits. NO! I'm talking quarry sized, rock crusher smashing, asteroids. Multiply that by a gajillion to the Nth power and you get the idea.
The last thing that really works me into a berserker-like rage is slurping. Sipping hot tea (or coffee), to make sure that it isn't "center of the earth" magma hot, is one thing. Doing that "inhale, suck whistle" while nursing a tepid, piss warm cup of anything, is enough to push me over the deep end. In some countries, that is grounds for justifiable bludgeoning.
This evening, while at a sushi dinner, I sat in front of some guy who sounded like a sea cucumber trying to suck his guts back in after being attacked by an octopus. You know, they throw them up to get away from predators? I actually thought it sounded like someone being fellated by the Blob. He was eating soup. For the love of all that is sacred, if it's that hot, let it cool down! I'd rather have lukewarm soup, than a mouth full of dead skin and a blistered esophagus. It took all my energy to keep from jamming my chopsticks into his ears and turning his head into a bizarre "cranium on the cob".
Oh, that reminds me. I have to go to the store and get more pork rinds to take into the movies with me on Friday. Just joking. They're corn nuts.
posted by Slab at
9:08 PM
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